So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
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Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal