I’m giving up for Lent.
You Might Also Like
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.