Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
You Might Also Like
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
This could be us but you eatin’
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Practicing safe sax
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
Whisper out to librarians!
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
I’m about to risk it all