Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂