You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.