I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
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wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers