[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.