My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
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Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey