Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My dad is at it again
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery