[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
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*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
All is fair in drunk and war.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.