*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My beach vacation Google searches
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
saving face 👀
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.