I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
me refusing to leave twitter
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are