[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.