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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I think I’ll stand
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something