ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
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Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?