“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
having children is a pyramid scheme.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.