Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
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I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Something Saturday.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.