Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
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It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize