*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
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I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
smh
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.