MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
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A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.