Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.