Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
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I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.