“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
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-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now