The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Every time my phone rings
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.