Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
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no regrets
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Bringing home a sharpie
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone