My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
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the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….