If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
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On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Customize Your Wedding.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My god she’s good.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Love this guy
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??