My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
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After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Basically.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
you have three unread messages
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.