The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
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Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
🙄😏😂🤣
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law