date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
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At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST