“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
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You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Me as a therapist: omg same
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows