Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
You Might Also Like
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.