Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
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Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME