*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You Might Also Like
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back