Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/