Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
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Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter