Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
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I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”