Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
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where do you see yourself in five years?
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.