*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
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I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.