Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.