me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
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Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t