The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
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Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I unironically love this joke.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.