Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks