There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
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I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
#MeanwhileinCanada
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Teach your children to beatbox
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today