Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
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You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…