Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Meat Cute
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
😅🤣😂
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.