The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
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this is the news I live for
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Is this you?
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
A great tip. #CakeRex
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?