Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
good let them take over I have had enough
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.