The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.