What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
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There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.